Alien Abduction Questionnaire

So...

 

Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Please read this simple questionnaire and answer truthfully. If you have answered positively to two or more, or if you have a large glowing object sticking out of your butt, you may have been abducted by aliens. If you have answered positively to two or more than two of these questions, please call

 

UFOBGONE

 

At UFOBGONE, we have a commitment to servicing your every alien paranoiac-delusional need. We provide the following facilities:

 

1. Thorough and compassionate counselling services, including soothing brain relaxation techniques adopted from the former USSR, China and North Korea. Removes all urges to build strange mound shaped objects out of mashed potato, psychotic impulses upon encountering mathematical/musical combinations, or any other Alien Abduction inducted psychoses/neuroses.

 

2. Detailed physical examinations, with facilities for deep rectal/urethral/general orficial penetration and extraction, maceration, vivisection and other deep surgical alien  abduction investigative techniques.*

 

3. Advanced alien parasite identification and extraction methods, to get even the peskiest xenomorph/critter/ET/Marvin the Martian out of your system.**

 

4. Long term care and therapy for severely traumatised victims of alien abduction, with advanced medical therapy methods including trepanning, neurojolt therapy and other effective methods for the removal of all memories/scars/parasites/lovechildren which may tend to be the residue of an alien abduction .

 

All services are provided free of monetary charge.***

 

So, if you suspect that you have been abducted by an alien at any time in the past/present or near future please do not hesitate to contact us.

 

Phone: +919911090286****

Email: Post your comments to the most recent post on www.thekirk.blogspot.com  . Dont worry, we'll get in touch with you.

 

Our lines are always open. Call anytime.

 

* May cause temporary headaches, nausea, disorientation, desire to eat own innards, irresistable urge to impale oneself on a pizza and other NON ALIEN ABDUCTION related psychoses/neuroses

** Due to the risk of chest cavity rupture/disintegration, all applicants for this program will have to sign our special UFOBGONE disclaimer, drafted in accordance with the laws of the Code of Hammurabi.

*** We reserve all rights to retain any bodypart that we find necessary in order to proceed with our examinations, including kidneys, liver, stomach lining and retinal walls.

**** Please be understanding about our operators as we provide the worst affected victims of alien abduction atrocities with employment in the hope that they may someday find a better life.